I’ve been acting weird lately. It’s not a surprise to me, but perhaps it’s a surprise to others. My father’s dying and it’s the hardest emotional thing to go through that I have yet to experience.
I feel very much like when I was a teenager. Overwhelmed by my emotions. Tired. Never really hungry but when I start eating I can’t stop. Unsure of what my role is. In the way. Out of control.
I’ve been apologizing to a lot of people recently because I’ve put life on hold while this all happens. I’ve been trying to keep going, but it’s hard to keep my mind focused on a task for too long. And consequently, I feel like my work is suffering because of it. My mind bounces from one place to another.
The only difference between when I was a teenager and what’s happening right now is that I am not a teenager and I know why I feel like this. I didn’t have the words to understand what I was feeling emotionally as a teenager (in a sense: all the things), but now I know what this is, this time. Sort of. I know what this is, but it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through because I don’t actually know what this is. I don’t know what the outcome of it will be. Other than that my father will no longer be here.
All signs point to letting this happen, because I can’t fight against the tide. I can’t fight against this any more than I could fight against the overwhelming trauma of being a teenager. I just need to let it happen and pray that it will turn out for the best.