Strange Days

I’ve been acting weird lately. It’s not a surprise to me, but perhaps it’s a surprise to others. My father’s dying and it’s the hardest emotional thing to go through that I have yet to experience.

I feel very much like when I was a teenager. Overwhelmed by my emotions. Tired. Never really hungry but when I start eating I can’t stop. Unsure of what my role is. In the way. Out of control.

I’ve been apologizing to a lot of people recently because I’ve put life on hold while this all happens. I’ve been trying to keep going, but it’s hard to keep my mind focused on a task for too long. And consequently, I feel like my work is suffering because of it. My mind bounces from one place to another.

The only difference between when I was a teenager and what’s happening right now is that I am not a teenager and I know why I feel like this. I didn’t have the words to understand what I was feeling emotionally as a teenager (in a sense: all the things), but now I know what this is, this time. Sort of. I know what this is, but it’s still the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through because I don’t actually know what this is. I don’t know what the outcome of it will be. Other than that my father will no longer be here.

All signs point to letting this happen, because I can’t fight against the tide. I can’t fight against this any more than I could fight against the overwhelming trauma of being a teenager. I just need to let it happen and pray that it will turn out for the best.

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6 thoughts on “Strange Days

  1. Helen June 19, 2013 at 4:22 pm Reply

    Wow Olga, this was really touching to read. I’m sorry to you and your family for what you are going through, and I’m sorry to your father who has to leave such a beautiful daughter behind. I’ll keep you all in my prayers. That was beautifully written.

    • Olga June 19, 2013 at 4:26 pm Reply

      Thanks Helen. I appreciate your kindness.

  2. Cinzia June 19, 2013 at 5:39 pm Reply

    Olga, I know exactly what you’re going through. My father passed away 2 and a half years ago and it was and still is such a hard thing to go through. Enjoy every second you have with him and remember, he knows you’re an amazing person and loves you deeply.
    If you need anything, let me know.

    Cinzia

    • Olga June 19, 2013 at 7:18 pm Reply

      Thanks Cinzia. I appreciate your words.

  3. Alec June 19, 2013 at 8:19 pm Reply

    Sorry to hear about your father, Olga. I am wishing him the very best.

    • Olga June 19, 2013 at 8:24 pm Reply

      Thank you Alec.

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