I’ve been going out of my mind these past days. My father’s illness is taking an emotional toll on me that I fear will lead to so many bad things. Feeling emotionally overwhelmed is not a new feeling for me, though. However, this fighting against the tide certainly is.
You see, I don’t want to be ruled strictly by my emotions. I see things and give them names and when I do that I give them power to control me. Like anxiety and the dark shadow that lives in all of us that tells me terrible, awful things.
I’ve been trying to fight against it with simple things. They’re simple but they are effective. Two days ago, I went running. I hadn’t gone running since before I came to my parents’ place. Whenever I let it go too long, I forget how beneficial running is to my psyche. Then when I go, I remember. So today I’m going running again.
This morning, I also did the dishes. I’m embarrassed to say that this is the first time I’ve done the dishes since I arrived at my parents’ place. But as soon as I got my hands wet, my mind began to calm down. I finished the dishes, made a pot of coffee, fed the cat and then made myself a bagel. All small things, but all leading me to this point where I’m finally opening up instead of keeping things locked up.
I’ve been trying to talk about it. I really have. But it’s so difficult to even formulate the words. And so much of it is so dark and negative that I’m ashamed that I have these thoughts in the first place.
I know I’ve got tough days ahead of me, but I am thinking of what I can do to keep going. I have the number to a good therapist in Toronto. I know I need to see my family physician for an examination. And I have to maintain my daily rituals. Because those are the most important things of all. These will keep my sane in my days head.