It’s hard to describe in a nutshell what this summer has been like, but I’ll try.
Bewildering. Melancholy. Eye-opening. Horrifying. Manic. Crazy. Over before it really began.
My father passed away and then I lost my brain. It completely fell out of my ass and left me a crazy, raving lunatic for a good solid two weeks in July. Since then I’ve been struggling to pick up the pieces of myself and reconstruct them into the human being I once was. It’s been difficult because depression has settled into my bones and with it has come self-loathing and anxiety, two bedfellows that are friend to no one but seem to hang around regardless. Like a couple of Jay and Silent Bob’s by the entrance to the storefront of my mind.
Why am I even admitting this? What good does this do by revealing to the internet that I am clinically depressed? Well, that’s not my intention. Yes, I have to preface this all by saying that I’m depressed, but what my real message is is that this is a learning experience for me. I’m taking this as a do-over. For 27 years I was not conscious of how my moods affect my life. Now I’m vastly aware of just what can happen when your emotions seize your body completely.
I’m early in my recovery and there are hard days ahead of me, but each day, when they are good days, feel better. I’m writing again, which I didn’t think I would do at all, but it seems the words want to come out of me regardless, and I take that as a good sign. And I’m doing what I can to improve myself, one step at a time.
So, summer is almost gone. Apart from this slight dip in my mood, there have been good things. I went to New York City for the first time. It was a weekend trip that tested the endurance of my feet. We walked and walked and took in all of the sights hungrily, fueling ourselves with cheap pizza and iced coffee, which is superior in quality to any I’ve had in Toronto, and I miss it dearly.
I started running again on Friday. I made it a goal of mine to run three times a week. Not only is it good for me, but I need the time outside of the house.
I started singing again. This I didn’t think would happen at all, but I screwed up my courage and got up in front of my regular open jam and let ‘er rip. It was lovely to sing again. And tonight I taught myself a new song to sing the next opportunity I get, because I can’t sing the same old stuff all the time.
I’ve been talking to my sister, which is not always easy to do because we’re not in the same city and we both lead busy lives, but it’s good to keep in touch any way.
I’ve been in touch with my friends, too. It’s important to keep in touch with your circle of friends because you need other people in your life to keep you sane and to bounce ideas off of.
So yes, it’s early days, but I’m doing what I can to get back on my feet again. Summer’s nearing an end, but that just means that it’s a fresh season to start over in. I’m looking forward to improving even more over the fall.